Our emotions are the catalyst behind what drives out actions unless we have the ability to put them aside and apply logic in place of them.
Because again, fat loss and weight loss is an emotional concept and their marketing is geared towards appeasing those emotions. If someone thinks a pill or machine is going to give them the same "sculpted abs" in 60 days that the model who was already in great shape advertising this shit is, then they will buy it.
People call them "stupid". Ever been in a relationship? Ever done stupid shit because you "love someone"? It's an emotional construct. It drives your words, thoughts, and actions.
Fat loss is no different. People do crazy shit for love. And crazy shit for fat loss. They are both driven by the need for something that they feel would make their life better.
And just like relationships, dieting takes work. It takes time to understand what needs to be done. It takes discipline and effort and consistency. Apologizing for the same shitty behavior over and over means you're still repeating bad habits rather than changing them.
There's no pill to give you an amazing relationship, and there's no pill that's going to give you the body of your dreams.
Both require you to be introspective of your short comings, failures, and the actualization of understanding what it is you really need and want in life, and what you're willing to give up to attain it.
If you're putting in the work, then put in the work. But the god damn worst thing you can do is mentally and emotionally beat the living shit out of yourself everyday over it.
It's not healthy and doesn't serve a purpose.
Do the work - let the process do its job - don't fucking destroy yourself emotionally because you look in the mirror and don't see what you want to see every god damn day. It serves NO PURPOSE.
Yeah, take some time out to see where your flaws are, but I know people who do this DAILY. You need to break that cycle of self defeatism and just do the work, and not set the cycle in place for a therapist later.
It's ok to know you need work - It's not healthy to obsess over it on a CONSTANT basis when you ARE doing the work.
Do yourself a favor and stop.
Insecurities...we all have them and in the sport of bodybuilding they can be intensified by what we see through social media and/or comparing ourselves with others. Sometimes we lose sight of our self worth because we may be seeing ourselves as less than especially if the chapter we might be in at the moment is far from someone else's chapter...chapter 1 vs chapter 30 as an example. It's human nature to want to fit in...to feel and look the part...to be accepted and to be acknowledged in the sport we're partaking in. To feel special. Over the years I chased those chapter 30's and more often than not I found myself frustrated...insecure...because I wasn't where I thought I should be. I wanted to be great and I busted my ass trying, but what I didn't realize and understand is that it was more about comparing my own chapters...my chapter 2 vs my chapter 1. Once I realized this...insecurities started to dissipate and I became more confident in my own journey...I found peace. It doesn't mean I'm not trying to be competitive in the sport...I'm still trying to move up the ranks, but it's a healthy competitiveness that drives me...I now train to beat my last chapter and if it happens that I beat someone else's chapter it's a cherry on a sundae...but if I don't ...just means someone else is better and I can live with that as long as I'm making myself better. Others may inspire me and I may at times want to be reading their chapter, but I understand my book is pretty good too and the beauty of it is...I get to write the story.
Interesting convo last night after training. Four of us did arm work for about an hour an 45 minutes. It was all great work done with an emphasis on going as "heavy as possible" without losing the ability to make the muscle do the work.
On the flip side over a week ago John Meadows told me he trained really heavy one day and was suffering pretty bad from "workout hangover" the next day. Just by coincidence Pastor Duffin and I had the same covo the next day.
Heavy as shit training sessions bring about both localized muscular fatigue but also systemic and nervous system fatigue that takes a far greater toll on the recovery curve than training that is a BIT lighter but keeps the tension on the muscles you are asking to do the work.
Also interestingly enough, most of the great powerlifting modalities use intensities within the 68-72% range as the most common intensities to use during volumized phases of strength building.
Lesson here - Training heavy has its place however it comes with a lot of drawbacks and should be used sparingly throughout the year. Volume, frequency, and tension should make up the greater majority of tools you are going to in your toolbox both for size and strength with your higher intensity phases being a small and short period of your training throughout the year.
Statue With No Soul~
It is time. The time to show case the physique in all its glory. All the nights sweat in the gym, meals, bills, tren coughs...it all leads to now.
Now you live the dream
Now you understand what it is like to stand out in a crowd of many
Now you are the center of the universe
Now you will understand the irony of how the harder you work on yourself, the less "you" exist.
Now you to will understand now matter how much attention you get, it is for nothing
There is nothing real left. A world without you. Only a suit of muscle.
A prison, each new line carved deep into your skin is another bar to your internal jail cell.
Before you continue, i want you to understand, You are about to embark on a conquest that reaching its end will also be the end of you. You will soon see the reality just as i have. This world is a superficial place and this journey, this dream of yours better be fkn worth it, cuz you are about to see it, live and breath it first hand.
I am no longer Dan. I am the asshole jock whos tanned in winter time with more veigns in his legs than the avg gym goers forearms. Im no longer the funny guy, no longer a good friend,commited lover and disciplined individual, i am the one night stand, steroid addict since 9, always good at anything he did with no effort narcissistic prick.
There is no me, only an image. I am created the second my jacket comes off. My own hard work, forged into what i love, and all i know has erased my very existence from this world.
I did this to me
I didnt see it comming
The further i improve myself, the less i exist.
You are about to embark on a cold journey friends. This shit can and will get to your head and possibly ruin you. You must stay above the near future stupidity if you dont want it to consume you. You must to learn to understand. Learn to see the truth. Realise the why. The ones who have fallen to new found praise, false praise , are the ones who are no longer with us anymore. This is the start of a spiral to hell for the mentaly weak and easily lead. Alot of us turned to this cult due to insecurity, and some may still be that little insecure 16year old who got crushed benching an empty bar.
There is much more to looking like a god than just looking like one. You must have the head for it and be able to harness the power, or you will quickly burn out and descend to a life of hell.
Sometimes the answer is not to push harder and harder, but to train smarter and smarter.
Those who master patience master natural bbing
Move heavy loads but with quality as a priority and most importantly remain patient...poised. Results...healthier body which means more quality workouts which means more quality muscle. Hardcore is smart training not sloppy careless training to sooth one's ego.
Throwback Thursday - 6 years of before and after.
One thing I constantly emphasize to people is that there are no short cuts. There are no 6 week body transformations that perform miracles. 6 years. Do the math. Even at only 4 training session a week, every week, at one hour a day - that's 1,248 hours worth of training.
The biggest reason most people end up discouraged is because of the lulls they find themselves in over time and struggle to fight themselves out of. No one is immune to this. Progress is never linear. It is a constant up and down cycle filled with some victories and setbacks. In that six years I've suffered torn tendons, a torn pec and quadricep, and all sorts of life stress that caused set backs. There is no perfect training world or environment we get to live in.
You just have to white knuckle the shit out of the bad times and grind your teeth to the gums until they pass. The hard times are there to test what you're made of, and make you question how important something is to you. They serve a purpose. And when you get tested are you going to fold or rise to the occasion?
Live long enough and life will bear down on you in ways that make you question everything you once found important.
Without suffering and loss we can never understand or appreciate things we become complacent with. Suffering and loss will help us to examine what it is we want to shape our future into.
Embrace the lows and what the potential they offer in terms of clarity. Your other option is to let it break you and unstitch you to the core.
There isn't a single successful person that I know that didn't endure incredible lows before they found fulfillment and success.
Everyone thinks they want something really bad until adversity strikes. Then they will question the importance of that thing in their life. And this is good. Because without resistance you can never know how strong you really are.
I've worked with hundreds of athletes the past 6 years and I've seen far too many athletes set themselves back (injuries/aches/pains) not because of poor work ethic, but by not understanding how to handle their emotions. An overabundance of motivation, eagerness, impatience, ego and insecurity has often been the culprit to poor decision making and therefore a lack of progress. Just this week in my inbox… “About injuries, I think that I was careless! Because sometimes I am hasty ... but I will try to follow the advice of the turtle :)” "In the past I noticed I get too excited and I would do so much crazy stuff in the gym, like train more than my usual routine and then I would end up being too tired the next day or get injured." I think we’ve all been there where we want to see results yesterday…we get hasty and we think by pushing harder and harder and doing more and more we'll get to our destination faster. But far too often with an undisciplined approach, I see guys sidelined or they're gimping along where their progress is meh...then they look up and see that old turtle passing them on by. You have to work hard no doubt as that goes without saying, but what's probably more important than just working harder and harder…is to work with more emotional intelligence. By keeping emotions in check...having poise..and understanding how to manage the variables the chances for more progress over the long haul is greater. Something I’ve personally gotten better at the past 30 years, but it wasn’t always that way…you know…go hard or go home! I was just fortunate enough in my early days I avoided any major setbacks…not by trying though, but rather just some plain ole luck
I've written many times that people talk about the things they want, but they don't like to talk about what they would have to give up for them.
When people mire themselves into indecision its usually because they are more afraid of what's on the other side of those choices and don't realize that the worry and fear from not taking a step is almost always worse than anything that comes after the fact.
And that's when they miss out on those opportunities in life that could change things forever. And what do they always have?
Boy I mean, those come in truckloads. Just excuse after excuse as to why you can't get it done or why you can't pull the trigger or why you won't be able to or why it will be so hard.
This is the sign of a mind riddled with insecurity and uncertainty.
Look, there are no guarantees about anything. It's a great possibility that someone reading this won't make it through tomorrow. That's a sobering thought I know, but it's also very real. I may not be here tomorrow to post another selfie.
But I can say this - I'd rather live my life looking back knowing I took every chance I had at an incredible moment or opportunity than to have a life book filled up with chapter after chapter of excuses that made for one hell of a boring existence.
Not only that, but I can't remember a single "winner" at anything that lived a life filled with excuses. You know why? Because they took a shot. And you may miss. You might. But you sure as fuck are going to miss if you make a choice to sit on the sidelines because you're too scared you will be called on to take that shot. And I'd rather take the shot and miss and know what I need to do so that if or when that opportunity presents itself to me again, I have done all I can to give myself the best chance of making it.
Shit or get off the pot. There's no 12 step program for a successful life. Either you're being about it, or your drinking from the Gatorade bucket on the sideline with the other backups.
Don't sing it. Bring it.
"Just because you can lift the weight doesn't mean you should"
"You either train hard or train long, but you cannot train hard and long"
Real strength comes from from dealing with disappointment.
You want to find someone with severe personal issues?
Find someone who can't be alone, or has trouble with it.
One of the best things you can do for yourself, if you want to grow, figure out what you want in life, and have a chance to reshape it into something you truly want, is to use that time for yourself.
You show me someone who is dating because they are lonely and I will show you someone who has severe baggage they are bringing to the table.
If you are alone long enough, the loneliness will pass, and what will be left in it's place is a much more clear picture of what you want in your life. People who won't suffer through that process can't figure out if they are dating people because they are the right people, or because they are just lonely.
And almost without FAIL, everyone I know that does this or has done it, picks the wrong people. Then complains later that "all men are dogs" or "all women are bitches".
No. It's that you keep picking from scraps because you're "tired of being alone" or are "lonely".
You show me someone who really enjoys their alone time, and I will show you someone who has a healthy sense of self worth, and won't compromise who they are in order to fill a void. Someone who is going to be far more cautious about who they let into their life because they have generally come to the understanding of what it means to be "happy" without an external source to arrive there.
You're alone. Big deal. Netflix and alone. Take yourself to dinner. Go to the movies.
Figure the fuck out how to treat yourself FIRST, then you'll figure out how you really want other people to treat you so that they add quality to your life. And you'll cast off the ones who truly are dogshit.
I have to tell this to people weekly.
I really hate when people beat the shit out of themselves for not being "perfect" at every turn. Life truly does get in the way sometimes of a training session. And that's ok. Missing a workout in the grand scheme of things isn't a big deal.
And while I don't program cheat meals (I do refeeds when needed) I absolutely INSIST that people enjoy life and eat that cake on their kids birthday with them or indulge in that anniversary meal.
Life > dieting and the gym. Every single time. We should strive for consistency but not at the expense of missing out on special moments with people we love. And sometimes you just want to say "fuck the gym". And the last thing you should do is punish yourself for allowing a day of rest if other parts of your life have been kicking your ass. Go to a movie or do something to decompress.
Keeping this shit in perspective can be hard at times. I get it. I can get neurotic at times because I'm an exceptionally disciplined person but there's no way in hell I'm going to look at my kids and say I can't have cake with them on their birthday because it's not on my diet. Fuck that.
As much as I love training and working hard to improve my physique and gym performance, I don't want to look back on my life and regret putting this shit in front of of those moments that mattered to the people who truly love me.
Keep it in perspective peeps. Always.
10 things I think I learned by 41 - in no particular order
Your Sunday tl;dr
Stop giving your time, love, and attention to those that don't or won't reciprocate it. Not everyone is going to value you.
Everyone will experience this at some point in their life. Where you keep trying to "prove" to someone you're worth the time and energy, but the fact of the matter is, not everyone is going to value you, or your efforts. This is just a cold hard reality of life. If you ever find yourself in "that" situation where you are pointing out all of the things you've done for someone and are left feeling unappreciated then STOP putting time and energy into them, and use that time and energy for yourself or someone more worthy.
You can't "win" people over in life. Either they value your time and energy, or they don't. And not everyone is going to. That doesn't make them awful either. You've done this to someone else as well. We've all been on both sides of this. Which is lesson #2....
Appreciate those that do give you their time, attention, love, and energy.
IF you ever find yourself on the other side of that convo, then at some point you've left someone else who does appreciate you feeling unappreciated in whatever relationship you have with them. Instead of defending your actions, or lack of actions, shut the fuck up and listen. Which is point #3.....
Be the best listener you can be.
Anyone who knows me in person knows I like to talk. A lot. I mean, you should get that in my writing style. It's rarely short. Well, the last year or so it's been a continuation of this lesson that I've worked to improve upon. And that is, being quiet when the other person is talking to you, and thinking about what it is they are actually saying, instead of what you want to say back. You cannot really listen to someone when you're interrupting or thinking about what YOU want to say. Not only that, most of the time, we don't even bother to take the time out to actually understand their perception or point of view because we just want to "win" in the discussion or argument.
There is a massive difference in hearing and listening. Hearing is something that just happens. Listening is something you consciously choose to do. It's virtually impossible to have meaningful communication with someone unless you are listening to them.
Learning how to forgive yourself is harder than forgiving someone else.
Maybe it's not like this for everyone, but it was for me. I think people misinterpret self forgiveness as rationalizing awful shit you did in a way you can live with. That's not the case. It's a point of accepting that you cannot change the things you have done, and doing whatever it is you need to do in order to have peace with your past. That may mean making amends to people you have wronged, or using those wrongs as a springboard for personal growth through repentance. Either way, the longer you practice self loathing for things you cannot undo, the longer it will take to grow from those mistakes.
Don't believe in other people's personal facades.
In this age of social media where so many people get a look into your "life" people often like to paint this portrait that they have their shit together, and often chime in on personal issues like they are saints.
Well, we're all sinners. Each and every one of us. And that's not in a religious context either.
Someone wrote last week about their admiration for Kai Greene and of course there was a follow up comment about a grapefruit. To which the Kai admirer said, "I don't care. Every single one of us has some grapefruit in our closet."
Truer words have never been spoken. If there's one thing that makes me roll my eyes now, it's the holier than thou chime ins on social media who persecute and judge the lives of others, all the while knowing they have shit, or have done shit in their life, they wouldn't want anyone knowing about.
"Well mine isn't as bad as that."
That all depends on perspective. The point is, all of us have done things or do things we are ashamed of, or made choices at some point in time that are a reflection of poor decision making. If you ever wanted to learn something, learning the "why" someone, or yourself, made those poor choices is far better than being an overly judgemental asshole. Not a single person that reads this doesn't have some grapefruit in their closet. Yet I'm pretty positive you've chimed in at some point to talk about how awful the actions of someone else was. It's called being a hypocrite. And we've all done that too. I've tried to do less of it this past year because I went through a period where I avoided good decision making like a fat chick avoids broccoli.
Everything is finite
One of the few times I will use an absolute and be ok with it.
The root of disappointment is expectations or the reaction of someone else to our expectations. But we are often disappointed because we become idealistic in our views and build a vision of "foreverness" when reality reminds us daily that nothing here lasts forever.
People looking for soulmates or think they have found the perfect job or whatever literally set themselves up for massive disappointment later down the road. People got pissed off earlier in the year when I wrote that whether you like it or not, the person you're with today - that significant other - there's pretty much zero chance you're going to spend your "life" with them.
Few people want to swallow that bitter pill, but it's a simple fact of life. Whether you and that person split, or they die or you die, all things end. All.
"Why have a relationship at all?" someone asked me in response to that.
Because relationships are the vehicle in which we grow from. Without them, without those experiences, we often can't and won't know what we want in life or want with someone else. Unfortunately, heartache is a part of that growth process. But the pain that comes with it should be a sign to you that the things that brought those relationships to an end, are the things you will want to avoid in future potential partners. And when those end, we reset the clock. Hopefully enough so that some day, we find someone who still loves us and wants to be with us when we've got wrinkled asses and weathered faces.
Everyone is insecure. It's what manifests itself from insecurity that creates something positive or negative in our life.
God damn, if there is a word that is tossed out far too often in my opinion, it's "insecurity."
When you actually break that word down, insecure, it's simply being without security, or having self doubt.
The reason you have a place of residence is because you want security. From the weather, from people, for protection.
Everyone doubts themselves at times, or feels unsafe about a situation.
The insecurity is not the issue here. It's what we do with that insecurity that defines it. It can be a driving force behind making us successful, or it can cause us to actualize the destruction of something we're desperately trying to hold onto.
The funny thing about life is that when we fear losing something, we often get desperate and then do things that actually cause us to lose the very thing we're trying so hard to maintain a grasp on. We drive away the very thing we're trying to keep.
I've written before that when we are chasing something that tends to have a positive connotation in our mind. Thus, our actions are positive and well meant. When we have something we were in pursuit of, and begin to fear losing it, loss is a negative connotation in our mind. And creates negative actions and reactions.
Life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% of how we respond to it. All of us deal with insecurities on the reg. It's not a bad thing. It's how we let those insecurities drive us that matters. The funny thing is, if we allow it to be a driving force behind making things better, then we often find they dissolve over time. If we allow them to create negative energy in our life, they become magnified and destroy us, our relationships, and passions.
- With life, there is suffering.
Unless you're a sociopath and completely disconnected from life, there will be suffering involved in the simple act of living.
Suffering cannot be avoided. And because, as covered, everything is finite, then the acceptance of suffering should be acknowledged.
This doesn't mean life has to suck 24/7. It just means you need to stop expecting everything to be vanilla perfume and titty sparkles all the time. Stop expecting people to be perfect and stop expecting perfect situations. There's no such thing. If you give a shit about anything in your life, then you're going to suffer because of it. Get a dog and love it? It's going to die at some point.
Friends fuck you over. So do romantic partners. Bosses fire you for no reason sometimes. Literally, for no reason. It happened to me. Literally. "We aren't giving you a reason."
That's a part of our life's walk. The finality of something that causes pain to be endured. And with that suffering can come significant growth in our life, no different than suffering in the gym can cause growth in our body.
No one ever knew their true strength without great resistance. Expect loss. Expect suffering. Use it to grow into something stronger, wiser, better. Not something twisted, jaded, and bitter.
- Your health becomes far more important than egotistical or superficial bullshit
My whole body recomp came out of a desire to have good health.
The benefits of course was a better looking body, but isn't that the case? Healthy on the inside = healthy on the outside (no, there is no such thing as good health at every size, please stop).
I realized that I wanted to make a serious effort into putting my health first for my kids. The last thing I wanted was to be lying in the bed at 50 from a heart attack because I was chasing pounds on the bar. To me personally, that sounds like the dumbest thing in the world. You cannot kick ass from your grave.
Which is also why when I read people write "we're all going to die anyway so it doesn't matter" makes me roll my fucking eyes.
Yes, we're all going to die, but what a lazy fucking attitude to have. We're all going to die, so why even bother raising your kids? They are going to die too. Don't feed em. Don't pay your bills. Just do what you want. When you lose your house or they repo your car just walk outside and go "ehhh we're all going to die anyway, so what does it matter?"
Way to champion the fuck up, sport.
Maybe that should have been the addendum to this item. "Giving a fuck is championship life material."
If life is a race and the finish line is death, it's one of the few times where how we ran is more important than when we finished. Style points matter. I give a fuck about finishing in a way that my kids and loved ones can say I gave it my all. And wasn't a selfish prick. Yeah we're all going to die, which is why caring fucking matters.
- Happiness is love; full stop.
I stole that from the Harvard study that showed the most successful and longest living men came from loving homes, and generally led a life filled with love and compassion.
I mean it should go without saying that a life filled with anger, rage, angst, resentment, and grudges isn't going to be a very fulfilling one. As the saying goes "when you set out on a path of revenge make sure to dig two graves."
Happiness is going to mean different things to different people, and will change at different points in everyone's life.
But I think at the core of each of us, we're probably going to live a far more fulfilling life if learn how to love better, and accept love better.
Thanks for all birthday wishes. I really appreciate them.
What is the difference between a hero and a coward? What is the difference between being yellow and being brave? No difference. Only what you do. They both feel the same. They both fear dying and getting hurt. The man who is yellow refuses to face up to what he’s got to face. The hero is more disciplined and he fights those feelings off and he does what he has to do. But they both feel the same, the hero and the coward. People who watch you judge you on what you do, not how you feel.
– Cus D’Amato"
"Disaster" couples showed signs of being in fight-or-flight mode in their relationships. Having a conversation sitting next to their spouse was, to their bodies, like facing off with a saber-toothed tiger."
I read this great article the other day about "masters" and "disasters" in regards to working and failing relationships.
This particular psychologist has been studying what makes for failing and successful relationships, and he found that, over and over again, the two most common traits that help couples endure are kindness and generosity.
They hooked the couples up to measure their physiological responses during the interviews.
The "disaster" couples consistently showed physiological arousal. And not the "good" kind. To them, sitting next to their spouse or significant other kept them in flight or fight syndrome. They were constantly expecting some remark that made them feel as though a fight could break out at any moment. Despite the fact that they seemed calm, their bodies were in a state of panic.
The "masters" couples, had no such signs.
They felt calm, and connected. Which translated into affectionate behavior. Even when they fought.
These couples had created an environment of trust and respect. So even if there was going to be conflict, both parties felt at ease about it.
As they studied this more closely, they found a critical component that tends to help couples thrive and grow together.
It's something called "bids". This is where one person is essentially asking for a moment of connection with their significant other. For example, if the husband was a bird watcher, he might say "look at this bird over here, babe!"
Now, it's up to HER to show interest, or apathy in regards to his "bid". So she turns inward, and shares his interest, or turns outward and does not.
If you've ever been with someone who dismissed your passions, you probably know exactly what this feels like. Or been with someone who, even if they didn't partake in a particular passion of yours, always showed tremendous interest in it with you. So you get excited about something, and you want them to be involved. And their attitude is either one of sharing excitement with you, or one of not giving much of a shit.
In the latter, it deteriorates the relationship over time, and is a huge part of said person feeling unappreciated.
Turning inwards to your significant other brings kindness and generosity into the fold, while turning outwards to your SO's interest brings anger, resentment, criticism, and hostility.
It's that friend who you visit and has that wife/husband who gets in on the conversation with something you are both passionate about, even if they aren't involved......or it's the one who plainly just goes not give a fuck about it.
In the latter case, the lack of connection erodes the relationship over time and in most cases, that couple splits.
Where in the couples that had a high degree of inward "bids" to each other, the relationship endured.
When your SO beckons you to be "interested" in something with them, whether it just be a conversation about their day, or to have a look at a picture with them, or they want to share something with you, it may seem minor and insignificant....but at a very basic and foundational level, these "little things" are what makes the big engine go in relationships. Without having those little connections then that's when people start to "grow apart". It's when they don't desire to share intimacy with you, or believe you even give a shit about them or their wants and needs anymore.
This is why it's pretty vital to the health of a relationship that the two of you constantly create an environment that makes the other one feel connected. And you do that by simply showing them that the little things are actually important to you as well.
Food for fucking thought.
I read this same stupid statistic this morning about men and sex.
Something like, on average men think about sex every 30 seconds.
First off, I really don't know how this could ever truly be quantified. There's at least a three hour period every Sunday during football season where NFL fans, that are men, probably aren't thinking about sex.
Second, every 30 seconds?!?!?
A few years ago, I wrote a novel. Some days I can remember writing for 8-9 hours at a time, without stopping except to eat. Pretty sure I didn't have any sexual thoughts during that time.
I get that for some of the women who write these articles or like to put men in this tiny little box that we're so simplistic that those dumb as fuck memes about all you have to do is feed a man and fuck a man and let him watch the game, and he'll be happy, is true. But it's honestly bullshit.
Life itself, is broad, complicated, demanding, and complex.
I find it hypocritical and hilarious that we as men, often get narrowed down into this paradigm of being exceptionally simplistic creatures while women get painted as complex and more developed emotionally.
Ladies, when you minimize the depth and emotional complexity of a man, or men, then right off the bat you can't expect him to feel like you're someone who is making an effort to understand who is really is, what makes him tick, what his passions are, how he copes with success or loss. How he grieves or deals with conflict. And so then yes, of course, you're going to make him feel as though you're not a person he can confide in and share who he really is with.
Of course not all women do this. But I've read enough of these stupid statistics and seen enough memes and heard enough jokes that women often do, or think, that the happiness in a man's life can be narrowed down to a sandwich and a blowjob.
And there might be a Wednesday here and there during his life where yeah, that's all he really fucking wants. But for the great majority of us, we do have personal and emotional needs and wants that we desire for someone to meet. And the variation in there from person to person is broad and complex.
Maybe if we quit narrowing down men to "fuck me and feed me" and narrowing down women to "get back in the kitchen" and realized that at the core of most of us, we all really want some similar things (to feel appreciated, loved, respected) and that meeting each other on this level isn't hard if we stop minimizing the worth of the person we say matters the most to us.
But I could be full of shit. It is a Saturday.
Courage is the most important of all virtues because none of the other ones can be practiced without it.
Patience however, is easily the most difficult. But is the measuring stick for defining just how important something is in your life.
Learning how to practice both on a consistent basis, to be both courageous and patient, will test every part of who you are and what it is you really want in life. If something is worth it, then it's worth waiting on. If it's worth waiting on, then you have to be courageous enough to practice that patience.
If there's anything I have truly come to believe about social it's this one thing - Most of what you see from people personally is a huge facade.
Most people show you their 5% and all of their highlight reels. Their superlative vacations, weddings, engagements, jobs, family, and friends.
People don't often highlight their pain, failures, struggles, defeats, and depression.
Sure, someone will take their significant other to task publicly now and again, but more times than not, if you were to scroll through their history you'd be inundated with highlight after highlight.
Their family is perfect.
Their spouse is perfect.
They have the greatest friends and job ever.
And during the times they feel that way, the highlight reels come.
"Look at me." Or "look at us."
Fact is, almost all of us are struggling with some battle in our life that we don't highlight because that's not edgy, cool, or sexy. It doesn't get likes, or more fake e-friends, or followers.
This is why I've stopped posting a lot of social questions. Because more times than not, people just chime in with really generic superficial answers or responses. Shit that "sounds good" or makes someone "look good" to anyone else who happens to be reading it. When I know, everyone (and I'm using an absolute here in a factual manner) has things in their life they'd never want broadcast for all to see.
We're all liars, hypocrites, thieves in some context, cheaters, and abusers in some way. We've all done it.
But mostly, outside of those colossal failures in our life, we're all struggling with something. Day in and day out, something we wake up to that gnaws at us, and tears away at us. Something that makes us feel like we're aging faster than we want to, emptying out most of the hours of the day from ruminating on it. Something we can't control, but is in control of us, our thoughts, our feelings, our moods, our words, and actions. Because it feels so monumental that we can't get a thought past it for very long.
So remember that if you're in that place right now, and all you feel like you see in everyone else is a life you want or desire, most of those same people posting highlights reels are waking up so something they can't shake either, but don't talk about. Because it feels better to show everyone your smile, rather than the pain through it.
I remind myself of this often; life can change in an instant. In one phone call. In one knock at your door. And at some point these burdens will be laid down, resolved, or cast aside and you'll have a chance to taste the sweet again and discard that bitter for a while.
Without the bitter, you truly cannot appreciate how sweet, sweet really is. Without the failures, and struggles, and days where you felt like you couldn't get out of bed because the burdens felt overwhelming, you still did, because whether you realized it or not, you were strong enough to find a reason to do so. And that speaks volumes about your resolve and fortitude to march on, even when you didn't want to, and every step forwards felt like walking on glass.
Don't judge your life against everyone else's social media highlight reel, or their 5%. That's not "real life". And your awfulness isn't ALL OF LIFE EITHER. It's just part of life. And a required one so that you can have a contrast to truly appreciate the good times, and so you could look back and say "I made it."
I've gotten a lot of messages from people this past week who were really struggling with a lot of very heavy burdens. I feel you. I do. The last few years I carried more than my share, and at times I felt like it wouldn't end.
It did. Life went on. It got better. New burdens came along. And I've had to shoulder them. And tomorrow will wake up, and I will find more reasons to get out of bed, and to take those steps forwards. As hard as they may be.
Mainly, I just want to be real with you guys because that's the only way I know how to be. My life isn't just highlight reels. There's all the same pain and conflict and awfulness that we all share due to this thing called the human condition. It's a price associated with just living.
Hang in there for your own highlights reels. But remember to also BE REAL, too. Because other people in the depths of shit can usually find some comfort in knowing they aren't alone in that abyss. And more times than not, they find some hope for their own life when they see others overcome similar problems and trials.
If you want to "inspire" someone, be vulnerable enough to show your brokenness that led you to a place of strength, peace, and redemption. That's something people can cling to and learn from. Where we fail, fall, and learn to stand and walk again.
For all you folks in struggles who've hit me up, or are just reading this, and feel like you don't know how you'll face another day.....hang in there. It sounds so f'n cliche but it will pass. It will get better. Use this time to let it sharpen you, and create a much better you when you come out on the other side of it. This is where you will grow the most if you will allow that to happen.
I wish I had written this article.
So many things I loved about it. I'm not a porn guy. I don't watch it, and I've never been a fan. For pretty much all the reasons he wrote about but also because I have long felt porn makes a lot of guys objectify women, and they lose the ability to connect with her on an intimate level.
Yeah I know it's not cool to talk like that these days, but I guess I will be uncool here.
But this part here really, really resonated with me.........
"Sex, when done properly, should look like there’s some love in it. There should be touching, caressing, and some damn kissing! You can go slow or go fast, whatever, you can role play and use your imagination, of course, but the object isn’t to inflict pain but to perform something that your words can’t describe, something that can only be conveyed through the act of sex.
Sex with someone you truly love is indescribably better than the nonsense they show in porn. It doesn’t even come close. But that incredible form of sex is something you have to work for. You have to get off your ass and out into the world and meet women and put yourself out there, extending yourself, getting uncomfortable, looking and feeling like an idiot, but learning and fighting and failing and growing until you meet the right girl."
Men as a whole, have become lazy in regards to overall courtship. We already know this from women complaining about how lazy men are in dating. Males ask "you wanna hang out?" instead of saying "let me buy you dinner." Males don't make commitment statements like "she's my girl". They say "we're talkin..." or "we're hanging out." (lots of hanging out).
I get it. It's easy to flip open the laptop and find something to watch while you get your tug on. And that's the problem. It's easy. And it creates both a lack of desire to get out and earn a woman's attention, love, and affection, and creates all sorts of issues about developing real intimacy. It's the very thing people complain about with social media. We're losing our ability to be social in real life due to too much stimulation from "social interaction/stimulation" online.
In those areas of love and intimacy, that's where life exists. That's what is fulfilling. Going back to porn over and over also causes the "numbing down" of the person watching it. As this article explains. So the person watching it has to keep getting more and more perverse in what they are looking for in order to get "excited" about it.
Now the programming starts. And your brain gets wired to this type of "drug" (the dopamine release) and now you're caught in a vicious cycle.
I get it. Again, it's not cool to write something like this because at this point, it goes against what society tells us is cool. But I really don't give a rats ass about what society thinks is cool. Especially if it means it makes my life LESS fulfilling. And I'm here to tell you that whacking it to porn cannot compare to making love to someone you have a deep connection with. It's like comparing a can of spam to a filet mignon. Sure, you can just pop open the can of spam and possibly eat it (blech!). And you will have eaten something, but it's not comparable to the satisfaction that the filet would give.
Also, I cannot imagine the horror if any of my kids EVER found porn on my computer. They won't, because it's not there. And that's not because I cleared out my browsing history either.
What's that saying about integrity? It's doing the right thing when no one is looking.
Stop jacking off and find a woman to romance. That's living life. That's something to talk about one day when you're old and wrinkled AF. I doubt you'll be telling grandson jr. about all the whack sessions you had in the basement while everyone was out of the house. Seriously. Grow the fuck up. Oh and if you have a woman in the house and you're jacking off, I'm not even sure where to go with that. There's sex...with another person...in your house. And there you are....with a sock or something.
You're not 15 years old anymore. Stop acting like it.
The last couple of nights I had the same conversation with two of my closest friends.
Regardless of what women think, us men do have very meaningful and heartfelt conversations. Especially when there is a bond between us.
We talked about the evolution as men, that we go through. Maybe not ALL men, but it has certainly been the case for us.
I do not intend to speak for all men here, because that wouldn't be fair nor can I speak for everyone. I'm just relaying the conversation we shared, which was almost identical between the three of us.
Skirt chasing is very much a part of growing up, and growing up a big part of what you "look for" in someone to date is often somewhat superficial or just surface level.
"She has a great butt/legs/face/" whatever.
Men are visual. This isn't exactly a newsflash from the city.
What we all talked about, was that after a while, that's a well that becomes very empty. All the most beautiful faces in the world won't fill a mans soul with what he will eventually desire the most.
And that is the love of a good woman. Someone he can sit and talk to for hours on end. Someone that "gets" all of who he is. Someone that when he is weakest, and yes we too have times of weakness, that we yearn for her to be by our side more than anything.
Women can and do often say things like "there are no good men out there". And I just don't believe that anymore. I think the good men out there are the ones that arrive at this place, and care most about finding THAT woman. They stop caring about how great your ass looks in yoga pants or your bra size and notice all the little things about you that you never have to tell them about. All of your little idiosyncrasies, all of your moles and freckles, and all the things you'd really love or need without you ever being present to tell them about it.
Mature men, men that have gone through that evolution of understanding the superficial will leave you empty and left wanting, gain a deeper understanding of what it means to find that one person they want to share everything with. From their victories in life to celebrate with, to the person who will give them words of encouragement when they feel broken and searching for a way to find themselves again.
MEN do not need the affirmation of multiple women. They become secure within themselves enough to know who they are, what they have to offer, and know their sense of self worth. They stop basing their choice of a significant other on looks and superficial qualities that will fade in time, and look for the intangibles in someone that they can bond and mold to. Because when that happens, those two people become a cohesive unit. That understands each other, leans on each other, and eventually finds out, that this person is more than just a "significant other". They become their person, and their best friend.
Those are the conversations I had with two of my best friends the last few nights, and I found it to be fulfilling and rewarding to think about all of us going through such similar transitions in our lives.
Good men are out there. They aren't the men posting on your Facebook or IG talking about what a great ass you have. They are the men that are busy cultivating a better version of themselves. Because they've made all the mistakes that comes with living, that comes with shame, that comes with regret and remorse. And realized those are the places they don't desire to live anymore.
To my two besties, and the people I love the most, I love you and thank you for being in my life. Thank you for your words and conversations. Thank you for walking the same path and seeing the same landscape I've found myself looking at. You are blessed and invaluable.
Keep growing. Much love.
You can empty yourself into a person or job or friendship and squeeze every bit of who you are out and create an ocean of of everything for them. And they turn around and willingly faceplant into a mud puddle. This is not a reflection on you, or what you offered. It is their fear and inability to embrace the depths you have offered and the vastness of what you had to give. Don't question why you weren't enough if you know you poured everything into something. Understand that not everyone is brave enough to sail on big waves.
Women want two things. They desire the attractive male, and they needsome form of male providing/support/protection. I'll call them A and B because the usual terms are getting tainted with everyone's own prejudice as to their definitions. But everyone will know what I am talking about.
If she sees you as a suitably attractive male A, she'll desire you. She'll want to have sex with you. All the fucking time. That's what attractiveness is about. And she can't do anything about it. Even if you're a total loser by anyone's standard, a complete asshole or you abuse her, it doesn't matter: If you're attractive to her, she'll want to have sex with you. That's what desire is about.
If she sees you as a suitably providing male B, she'll need you. She'll want you to stick around & to commit your sweet resources (time, attention, money, etc.) to her because they make her feel loved/safe/important. And she knows that the best way to keep you happy so that you stay with her is to offer you what you want as a male, i.e. sex and nurturing.
Get it? Ok so no need to see the two as mutually exclusive for now (they kindaare but that's another story). Don't try to categorize yourself between A and B. Just analyze them separately for now.
• On the A side. Women are usually not overt. They won't tell you that you're not attractive, they'll simply act on their lack of desire by avoiding having sex with you. She'll make excuses. For some reason, the girl you're currently with has decided to tell you straight up... and apparently has also given you some excuses. These two clues mean one thing: you are not attractive (enough). She doesn't desire you.
• On the B side. As you described your situation, you're in good financial position and you're very willing to share your time and attention and money on her. She likes these and she wants them. After all, she likes how you make her feel. But she knows what you want in exchange, what would make you stay with her. So if she acts sweet and supportive and have sex with you, it means that you are a good providing man and she wants you to stay that way.
So now you should notice the ambiguity in the situation. If she finds you attractive (A), she'll have sex with you. And if she finds you're a good provider (B), she'll have sex with you. So which sex is it? If she has sex with you, does it mean you're A or B? Or sometimes A and sometimes B? Or a bit of both at all times? Well the way to tell is that "A" sex and "B" sex are different:
• Does she do it often? Is she always willing and passionate about it? Does she initiate? Does she tell you how hot you are? Does she seem to do it to make herself happy? That's very likely "A" sex. She's sexually attracted to you.
• Does she do it sparingly? Is she reluctant? Does she do it only when you insist, when you're mad, when you initiate? Does she do it when you look at other girls, or when you're starting acting a bit distant? Does she seem to do it to make you happy? That's very likely "B" sex. She does it because she wants you to stay with her.
So why all of this is important? Well, because "B" sex occurs not because she desires you but because she doesn't want you to leave her. And since the longer the relationship, the stronger your investment (time, engagement, ring, marriage, kids, risk of divorce) and stronger your reluctance to leave, then the less sex she needs to give you to get you to stay.
See, "B" sex is not sustainable on the long term. Because "B" sex is not the sex she desires. She does it reluctantly. So the day she doesn't need to do it anymore she can stop having to do it.
As a man, what you want is sex. "A" feels better than "B" but hey, "B" can do in the absence of "A". If you start applying dread as everyone suggests, it'll make her afraid of losing your commitment and she'll up the "B" sex. But you're also better off staying/becoming attractive to get some of that sweet "A" sex that doesn't even require you to provide anything to her. Sex = Dread + Lift
Some simple do's and don'ts.........
- Eat enough to supply your body with the energy that will be required for the type of training you are engaging in. Seems simple enough, but so many people try to go into the gym and train very hard, without realizing they haven't adequately supplied their body with enough fuel for training.
- Eat those foods within the proper time frame. If you are training in 30 minutes, slamming down a large meal will probably result in a poor training session. In that case, a pop tart or something with more simple sugars and a little bit of protein is more ideal. If it will be 2 or 3 hours before you train, a mix of carbs, some fats, and some protein are a good choice.
- Drink plenty of water throughout the day. Even being mildly dehydrated can result in poor training sessions. I tend to drink more than a gallon a day, however on days I train very hard I try to get in closer to 2 gallons. Do not count diet drinks, milk, or any other liquids towards that gallon intake.
- Pay close attention to your sleep, or lack of. Lack of sleep won't significantly impair performance in the gym for everyone, however it will impair your recovery from one training session to the next.
- Perfect your technique. This will be an on going process, but it's vitally important to learn how to perform the big movements in a way that works optimally with your leverages. This will also lead to fewer injuries, and downtime.
- Stick to a routine or program long enough to give it a fair shake. If you can't stick a routine or program out for 6 weeks then you have training ADD.
- Have specific goals and a specific time frame in which you want to accomplish them. That means more than "I want to get stronger." What does "stronger" mean? Ask the right questions and you'll get the best answers.
- Keep your bodyfat in check. Training for strength is no excuse for turning into a slob.
- Stimulate, don't annihilate. Walking out of the gym in a heap after every session is flat out not a requirement for getting bigger and stronger. I always found that my best progress occurred when I left feeling better than when I walked in.
- Have a life. If you're in the gym every single night, you might want to reevaluate your life as a whole. The gym should serve as a means to an end. Time with family, friends, and loved ones should always be paramount, and not take a backseat to you lifting a barbell. Having a life where you do things you enjoy outside of the gym is actually a huge part of a good recovery protocol.
- Eat more junk than quality food. I mean, for serious. I see so many guys posting pics of junk that I wonder when they are eating steak, rice, potatoes, eggs, so forth and so on.
- Try to mimic someone else's routine with the belief it will get you to where they are. What an advanced guy is doing now, isn't what he was doing 3,5,8,10+ years ago. Everyone goes through phases where they need different things to improve.
- Use exceptions as rules. Just because you know a guy that got big, strong, jacked using some strange method of dieting or training means it will do the same for you. The majority of us are not special snowflakes.
- Train heavy all the time. You don't have to train anywhere near as heavy as you may think in order to get bigger and stronger.
- Try to get bigger/leaner/stronger at the same time. Plan accordingly for each phase and pour all of your energy into ONE of those components.
- Compare yourself to what other people can do. It will only frustrate you.
- Belittle your accomplishments. Everyone had to start somewhere, and every step forward you take is meaningful. Be proud of the fruits of your labor. Then, refocus and continue moving forward towards the next one.
- Get discouraged when things don't always go the way you planned. Training comes with lots of failures and disappointment. It's a huge part of getting better. There will be plenty of lows to go along with the highs. Appreciate them both for the purpose they serve. And that is to help you get better.
- Believe there is some magic routine or diet that will turn you into Superman. There are no real secrets. Hard work, time, and patience are the main ingredients in the soup of success.
- Worry about the things you cannot change. It will only drive you crazy.
Tener preparado algo asegura no decir chorradas o paridas, pero, tiene bastante de chicle masticado, y es infrecuente que aceptemos los chicles masticados. Conseguir que una persona, tenga la insolente arrogancia de ponerse ante el amable escuchador a ver que dice, es un compromiso para el que habla y una liberación para el que escucha.
Even when we become bitter and angry and feel completely unstitched that it's always better to have hope in the best for ourselves, to keep hope that in the end love will win, than to become jaded cynics. It's in those moments of clarity...this reminder... that I often find myself disappointed at things I've said or done that manifested from anger or pain. For those that have followed me for a long time you know I've always tried to be transparent about who I am and my failings in life. We can't call ourselves genuine and authentic if we aren't courageous enough to be open about how imperfect we are. And I'm as flawed as any. Maybe more in some ways than most anyone I've ever met. It's hard to fight off the narratives you write in your mind about how your life unfolds at times. We often want to create exceptionally pessimistic themes and stories about what has gone, and what's to come. We cling to the notion that the universe just doesn't want to see us happy when truly, all the experiences we live can guide us to where we would like to be, if only we would allow it. I believe that every bad experience serves as an opportunity to grow us and shape us into what we are supposed to be, and what we want to be, so that down the line we find we fit perfectly into the space we've been seeking all this time. And in order to fit into that space, sometimes life and experiences have to tear away some layers of who we are, in order to become who we really need to be. We need to be swallowed up into a great big nothingness. Emptied out. Then we are free to fill ourselves back up with whatever it is we choose. But you can't do that until you're willing to let go of everything that was, and embrace that God has something far more magnificent waiting on you on the other side of all your pain. Never lose hope in that. Do your best to mind your words, even when you feel unappreciated or disowned or cast out. You'll regret it later. No one knows that lesson better than I do. But I can also be very real about who I am.
The strongest of all warriors are these two - Time and Patience
It is my feeling that Time ripens all things; with Time all things are revealed; Time is the father of truth.